THE MUMMY RETURNS
And now, a Reviews On The Side exclusive! An interview with Stephen Sommers*, the director of The Mummy
Returns! This sequel to the 1999 box office SMASH raked in a button-popping $70 million this past weekend.
That's a record-breaker, folks! I know you're all excited, so let's get right to it, shall we?
REVIEWS ON THE SIDE (ROTS):
So, Stephen. We share the same name, only yours is spelled more funny than mine.
STEPHEN SOMMERS (SS):
Uh, okay. Funny? Sure. What's your name again?
ROTS:
Steven. With a "V."
SS:
Yeah. Well, I guess mine is funnier, then. Some people say it's more elegant.
ROTS:
But you're not British.
SS:
No, I'm not. I was born in America.
ROTS:
Funny, that.
SS:
Is it?
ROTS:
Not really. So what made you want to become a filmmaker?
SS:
Well, in the mid '80s, I was pretty broke and living day-to-day, and I wanted to do something that was secure,
something that had a reasonable future. So I called my uncle, who's been involved with movies forever, and he
introduced me to nepotism. [Laughs.]
ROTS:
Yes. So yours is the typical Hollywood story.
SS:
I guess so.
ROTS:
Only your name's sillier than mine.
SS:
Er—
ROTS:
So your uncle introduced you to necrophilia, which, I assume, is why these mummy stories so interest you.
SS:
No, not necrophilia! Nepotism!
ROTS:
Aren't they the same thing? I mean, really?
SS:
No!
ROTS:
Oh. But you do have a thing for dead bodies?
SS:
No. As a storytelling element, yes, but— Jesus, not as—
ROTS:
I know where that's going. So your fascination with dead people brought you to the first mummy movie, called...
Wait, let me check my notes...
The Mummy.
SS:
That's not right. My interest in old movies brought me there. I wanted to do a re-make of the classic Mummy movie.
ROTS:
The one from 1912? Or from 1932? Or from 1959?
SS:
Um, probably the last one.
ROTS:
And that was pretty much a leaping-off point for your 1999 version, which really had nothing to do with any
of the previous ones.
SS:
I wanted to update the concept of the mummy, yes. In the old movies, the mummies were not so scary. I mean,
they were, but they were slow and dumb. I thought, "What if I make a mummy who's quick, who's smart, and
who's really creepy?"
ROTS:
And that's when you made The Adventures of Huck Finn?
SS:
What? No.
ROTS:
The Jungle Book?
SS:
No!
ROTS:
So what happened, then? Why didn't you make your scary, smart mummy movie?
SS:
This is ridiculous.
ROTS:
Okay, well, let's move on, then, if you don't want to talk about that.
SS:
I made The Mummy! Hello!
ROTS:
Hello, Mr. Sommers. Thank you for meeting with me today. To begin with: Your new movie. The Mummy Returns
just made more money than could have genuinely been expected this past weekend.
SS:
Uh, yeah...
ROTS:
Let me ask you this: Does that make you wish you'd spent more money on special effects, or are you happy just
to take the bigger profits?
SS:
ILM did those effects, and they were quite—
ROTS:
Pedestrian. I know. And you don't regret that?
SS:
Excuse me?
ROTS:
How about the story? You are indeed quite the master of invention.
SS:
Are you insulting me?
ROTS:
No! I mean, it takes guts to put a tattoo on a character that didn't have one in the first movie
and use it as a key plot point in the sequel.
SS:
It's just a movie. It's supposed to be fun and exciting! Jesus, you're nit-picking.
ROTS:
That's what I'm not paid for.
SS:
Well, I stand by my movie. $70 million means people enjoyed it.
ROTS:
[Hiding a snicker] Right. Well, would it appease you if I were to tell you that—invented though it was—your
cutting the heroine, Evelyn, into an ancient Egypt scene from your first mummy movie was fun and clever?
SS:
Probably not. But thanks.
ROTS:
Now, that stupid "jet-powered" balloon—
SS:
Oh, here we go!
ROTS:
If ever the word "puh-LEEEEEEz" deserved more syllables, this is it.
SS:
I based that concept on a book about the time period, so if that's what's got you all pissy about it, choke on that.
ROTS:
You saw it in a book about The Fifth Element? 'Cause it looked ripped off from that movie, to me. Oh,
and there's all the Indiana Jones rip-offs in The Mummy Returns.
SS:
I am paying homage to Indy and all those movies. They are the ultimate adventure movies, and I am just including
little bits of those in my films to honor them.
ROTS:
Did you know I saw Bridget Jones's Diary this weekend, too?
SS:
Uh...
ROTS:
It was funny, but a little too neatly wrapped up by the end. I should probably do a review of it, too.
I thought all three main characters were very well acted.
SS:
Are you talking to me?
ROTS:
Yes. But I can see you don't care, so back to you it is. The Mummy Returns seems to have lost the one saving
grace of the first movie... that buoyant and sometimes irritating humor. This new movie's darker and less goofy.
Would you call this your Temple of Doom?
SS:
No.
ROTS:
How about your mother? Would she call this your Temple of Doom?
SS:
No. She's been dead for a few years.
ROTS:
Oh! So perhaps this whole dead mother/necrophilia thing is the root of your desire to foist these movies upon us!
Maybe, like Im-Ho-Tep, you long to resurrect your mother—
SS:
Shut up!
ROTS:
I wouldn't discount that idea completely if I were—
SS:
Shut up!
ROTS:
We must face these painful truths.
SS:
Why did you even go see my movie?
ROTS:
Why?
SS:
You obviously hated the first one. Why did you even bother to go see the second one?
ROTS:
Uh, I guess—
SS:
You saw it just to hate it, didn't you? Jesus, you people irk me!
ROTS:
But I have people who rely on me to tell them how a movie is.
SS:
Who's that, your roommate and your dog? Here... [Opens wallet] Here's $9.00 Now the movie's only made $69,999,991. Happy?
ROTS:
Yeah, actually.
SS:
I worked long and hard on that movie! I'll believe the box office, thank you!
[Exeunt Mr. Sommers.]
ROTS:
Hmm. Well. At least he didn't use a
colon in the title.
*No actual interview with Stephen Sommers took place, and in fact
this is all a big load of malarkey. But it sure is huge fun.
—Steve
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