FADE IN
INT.--SPACE SHIP--AROUND NOON
RIDDICK (V.O.)
I'm a bad mutha. I excaped from da slam, but got cot. You know I'm gonna excape my current state of incarcineration cuz why have a badass mutha in a movee like dis unless I'm gonna cause trubble?
The ship is punctured by projectiles of some kind. The captain is killed. The ship's gonna crash. It plummets through thick clouds surrounding some planet. All this is impossible to confirm, though, thanks to Bayesque filmmaking
FRY
(A Sigourney Weaver wanna-be lady in charge)
I'm gonna dump the passengers so I can save myself!
BAD ACTOR GUY
No!
FRY
Too late!
(She pulls the dumping lever. It jams.)
WHA--?
BAD ACTOR GUY
I've jammed a door which jams the lever! Too bad! AGH! I'm dying!
Bad Actor Guy dies somehow.
EXT.--PLANET--JUST AFTER AROUND NOON
The ship crashes in probably the best sequence in the movie.
EXT.--PLANET--A LITTLE LATER
JOHNS
I'm the man who caught Riddick, the escaped murderer. I am so damn good you can just BET I'll turn out to be bad!
DAVID TWOHY
(The director)
SHHH! Come on, Cole Hauser, the man playing Johns, don't give that away!
JOHNS
Sorry. Oh, wait, Riddick escaped, but I found him again. Let me chain him to this beam with the cut in it so he can
escape again and so I can capture him again.
DAVID TWOHY
Great! I love it! What say you, writers?
THE WHEAT BROTHERS
Dude. Wish we'd thought of that.
EXT.--PLANET--TEA TIME
FRY
Hmm. Strange. This is a desert planet with three suns, yet I could have SWORN I steered our crashing ship through thick,
thick, Jupiter-like clouds. No matter. Okay, who's here?
JOHNS
Roll call!
SHAZZA
I am Shazam--
(She ruffles through some pages of script)
--Shazza. I am Shazza, a comely woman of foreign breeding.
JOHNS
What's your smart/stupid ratio?
SHAZZA
Uh... what's that?
FRY
Come on! DAMMIT! DAMMIT!
DAVID TWOHY
Calm down, Radha Mitchell. Too over the top.
FRY
Oh, then let me be completely dead the rest of the movie.
DAVID TWOHY
Excellent idea! Let me check the Wheat. Guys?
THE WHEAT BROTHERS
(Exhaling some suspect smoke...)
Huh? What?
DAVID TWOHY
Excellent. Continue, thespians.
ZEKE
I am Zeke, another ethnic type. My smart/stupid ratio is 1:4, since I get killed near the beginning of the movie
poking my head into a dark hole.
SHAZZA
Oh. I see. That makes me a 3:1. If only I'd duck later on...
IMAM
I am Imam. I'm 1:1 since I live through the whole movie, but my uselessness quotient is 78. Praise God.
SONS OF IMAM
We are the Sons of Imam. We will all die in stupid ways.
DAVID TWOHY
Let's not give away so much, please, people...
PARIS
I am Paris, so named because I am British. My extremely fragile archaeological artifacts and bottles of expensive
booze survived the crash in tact. My stupid ratio is 3:1, but I am a card-carrying member of the People Who Mess Up
The Plan Club.
JACK
I'm Jack. I'm 13. I'm really a girl.
DAVID TWOHY
AAARGH! Rhiana Griffith! Don't spoil that major surprise, please!
JACK
Sorry. I'm a boy.
RIDDICK
I worked with Spielberg.
DAVID TWOHY
Shut up, Vin. I told you NEVER to mention that name!
(Breaks into tears.)
FRY
What a pathetic lot. I should have ejected them all.
USA FILMS EXECUTIVE
Um, actually, all the characters are rich and interesting, which you can find out at
www.pitch-black.com instead of in the movie where such info belongs. Excuse me... that's my cell phone...
INT.--CAVE--SUPPER TIME
Zeke's severed foot is lying in a bloody pool.
FRY
Oh, THERE it is!
Shadows and noises indicate something creepy is lurking in the cave with Fry.
FRY
Hey! Who's there?
FRY
It's just me, Fry, from "Futurama."
FRY
Oh. You scared me.
FRY
I didn't scare you. The evil creatures who live underground did.
FRY
Gulp!
FRY
You should get out while you can.
FRY
I should, but David won't let me.
DAVID TWOHY (O.S.)
That's right! I'm creating an air of suspense!
FRY
I may be an animated guy, and an ignorant animated guy at that, but I'm not stupid enough to hang around here. Later.
FRY
Wait! What was it you said about evil creatures?
DAVID TWOHY
And... PANIC!
FRY
WAGH!
Fry is rescued, but not without some more clever suspense.
EXT.--OLD STATION--DAY (AS USUAL)
ALL
Thank goodness we found this abandoned station! How lucky that someone's been here before us!
RIDDICK
They're all dead, fuckers.
PARIS
Watch your language!
RIDDICK
Fuck you.
Riddick flexes his voluminous muscles, then shaves his already shaved head using axle grease and a bowie knife.
TITLE CARD, FLASHING: BADASS!
FRY
I've just discovered, thanks to some convenient plot contrivances, that we're in for an eclipse!
JOHNS
Let me guess. It happens once every 21 years, and we just happened to crash here right before the next one.
FRY
Yup.
JOHNS
I'm going to go take some drugs.
DAVID TWOHY
Cole, please stop giving away your character's hidden secrets! I need those later for plot twists!
JOHNS
Sure thing.
FRY
There's a little ship here. Let's get it running so we can escape.
IMAM
Praise God.
RIDDICK
Fuck God.
THE WHEAT BROTHERS
(Digging into a bag of Doritos)
Man, we're so good at deep, meaningful themes!
JOHNS
Fry, Riddick can fly a ship. He'll abandon you. Don't trust him.
RIDDICK
Fry, Johns isn't a cop, he's a bounty hunter. He's only out for himself. Don't trust him.
PARIS
I'm just a big ol' twit. You should DEFINITELY not trust me!
Paris is pelted with stale bagels from the craft services table.
SHAZZA
The eclipse is starting! Didn't you say something about having to get back to the crash site to get power cells
from our wrecked ship so we can get this smaller abandoned ship working?
FRY
Um, I should have, but I forgot my lines.
EXT.--PLANET--PRE-ECLIPSE DUSK
SHAZZA
It's almost dark. Look at those bat-like shapes pouring from those rock vents!
FRY
Wow. I wonder if they're friendly? Shazza, you stay out here with me, unprotected, and let's find out!
RIDDICK
Beautiful.
The creatures swarm toward the party.
FRY
I've changed my mind. Hey, Riddick and Shazza! Run! No, duck! Run and duck! No! Duck now! Don't run! AAAAAH!
Riddick ducks (face-up, of course, because he's badass) and is saved. Shazza does not and is carried away in
pieces by the bat things.
INT.--CRASHED SHIP--DAY, BUT DARK
PARIS
Too bad Shazza didn't duck.
RIDDICK
Did anyone notice my eyes are all glowy?
JACK
Yeah! Did anyone notice I shaved my head to look like Riddick?
ALL
Shut up, girly girl!
JACK
WAAAAH! I am suddenly weak and frail!
RIDDICK
Did any of you know I can see special things with my shiny eyes?
ALL
Shut up, Riddick!
RIDDICK
Hey, I worked with SPIELBERG!
ALL
Sigh.
DAVID TWOHY
Everyone take five.
(Leaves set, sobbing.)
Damn Spielberg...!
EXT.--PLANET--NIGHT-LIKE
FRY
Did you find it strange that those evil creatures--who dissolve in light, by the way--came swarming healthily out of the
ground while there was still plenty of sunlight, yet we're able to ward them off with these tiny gas flames?
JOHNS
No. I was too busy getting ready to kill someone as bait, just to prove how bad I actually am.
RIDDICK
Then I'd better kill you to prove my humanity.
Riddick tries to kill Johns, but a creature gets to him first, even though he's got a bright flashlight.
WELL-DRESSED ANNOUNCER
(Stepping into the frame)
And so we see that what is good is bad and what is bad is good. Proof that life is more complex than any of us can imagine.
DAVID TWOHY
Psst! Tell them about life on this planet!
WELL-DRESSED ANNOUNCER
With pleasure. The Wheat Brothers, both graduates of the ITT Technical Institute's Natural Sciences and Refrigerator
Repair program, have utilized their vast knowledge of geology, biology, zoology, taxonomy, botany, planetology, and
meteorology to create the complex and fascinating alien world you see before you. Note this intriguing detail:
The millions of evil swarming creatures of this planet can subsist for 21 years on the nutrition gained from a
handful of colonists! This proves without a doubt that nature is, in fact, really neato.
DAVID TWOHY
Yes, it is. And with that in mind, let's have some rain!
A deluge splatters the arid land.
EXT.--SHUTTLE CRAFT--DARK AND STORMY NIGHT
FRY
Well, thanks for helping me go back to the cave of the glow slugs and save Jack and Imam.
PARIS
And me!
FRY
No, you died when you ran off and ruined our fiber optic light defense.
PARIS
But I didn't get my death scene!
DAVID TWOHY
Oh, Lewis Fitz-Gerald, don't worry. I'll make sure it's in the Special Edition DVD.
PARIS
Oh. Right, then. Cheers, David!
FRY
(Back to Riddick)
Again, thanks.
RIDDICK
Yo.
FRY
You're not the monster we all thought you were.
RIDDICK
And you're not the coward WE all thought you were.
There is a moment of silence, even though everyone's lives are in complete and utter peril.
RIDDICK
So you know what this means...
FRY
What?
RIDDICK
Either I'll die in one final act of human selflessness...
FRY
...Or I'll die in one final act of human selflessness.
RIDDICK
Who's it gonna be?
FRY
I honestly don't know. David?
DAVID TWOHY
Ken? Jim?
The Wheat Brothers are unconscious on their bean bags.
DAVID TWOHY
Fine. Vin, Radha, toss for it.
RIDDICK
You got a coin?
FRY
No.
DAVID TWOHY
Oh, for God's sake, does anyone have a coin? Or maybe a flat rock with unique markings on one side?
USA FILMS EXECUTIVE
Well, I have a hundred.
DAVID TWOHY
Fine.
The executive hands a $100 bill to Riddick.
RIDDICK
Call it.
Riddick drops the bill from a height.
FRY
Heads.
The bill lands in a puddle, folded in half.
DAVID TWOHY
Oh, never mind! Cue the creature!
A creature swoops down and grabs both Riddick and Fry and carries them off.
DAVID TWOHY
NO! NOT BOTH OF THEM! ONLY ONE! DAMMIT! Now the film is RUINED! RUINED!
HARRY KNOWLES
(Stepping in, uninvited)
Don't be so hard on your genius self, David! I love "Pitch Black"! You're as good as Michael Bay!
DAVID TWOHY
(Pulling his hair)
RUINED!!!!
FADE OUT
ROLL CREDITS
I have recently been called too verbose. In celebration, I'd like to present my latest review, which comes in at around 7K...
